Decembers
by uhnonniemiss
Summary: Phan Oneshot. One day, in the snow, Phil tells Dan he loves him. A year later, in the rain, he takes it back. Very angsty, with no swearing but a slight warning for arguments. Please review it means all the world and more xxx


Decembers

The snow drifted on the air, the little flecks of stardust stinging their eyes and burning their lips. Phil stared up at the sky, trying to ignore the cold that was slowly seeping through the back of his shirt.

"This is nice. I hardly ever get to spend time with you like this. I'm… calm." He said the word like it was foreign to him, squeezing his boyfriend's hand.

Dan rolled over onto his side and smiled, moving his lips across Phil's cheekbones, his jaw, his neck. "I don't like looking at the sky. I like looking at you."

"I like looking at you, too," Phil smiled, but didn't turn his head, eyes remaining fixed on the clouds. "I want to stay like this forever."

"Mhm, forever," Dan pulled his lips away, and raised himself on his elbow. "I like the sound of forever. I feel like I could love you for twice as long."

"Yeah." Phil nodded, still enraptured by the snow. It was piling up now, glittering mounds of it.

Dan looked at him. "It's so strange. I've known you for less than a month, and I already know that I love you, and that you love me back. You do love me back, right?" A tiny frown line appeared between his eyes, and Phil finally managed to look at him.

"What? Yes. Of course I do." The promise left a strange taste on his lips- salty and sweet and bitter and sharp. It hadn't felt right coming out of his mouth for a long time, now, and he wasn't sure if it did this time either. It brought a smile back to Dan's face, though.

"Really? How much do you love me, then?" Dan nudged him, but Phil didn't answer straight away. "Well?"

"I'm thinking." Phil closed his eyes. He always hated this part, the part where you talked about _forever_, where you had to give something poetic and meaningful and wise, all at once. He toyed with a couple of metaphors, tossing the word _forever _between his fingers. Finally, he smiled, and looked at Dan. "From here," he said.

"What?" Phil was met by a confused expression. "Phil, just give me a straight answer."

"I am being serious," he protested. "I am. I love you… from here."

"You're an idiot," Dan huffed, flopping down onto the snow again. "I wish you wouldn't play around like that." Phil sat up, staring down at the younger boy. There was something in his eyes, but he couldn't quite place it, wasn't sure he wanted to.

Dan sighed, averting his eyes. "Never mind. It doesn't even matter."

"Hey," Phil leaned down, pecking Dan on the lips. "I'm sorry. I do love you."

"Yeah, I know." A smile crept back onto Dan's face.

Phil took his hand and lay back on the snow. "And I am an idiot."

"Yeah. I know that too."

* * *

Winter melted into spring and back into winter again. The snow bled life into blossoms and fruit and autumn leaves, but when its time came round again it found that the pale imitation of rain had taken its place, lashing against the window, not quite loud enough to drown out rising voices.

"Dan, please. Don't go out in the rain, you'll get sick." Phil hovered at the top of the stairs, watching Dan heave a backpack over his shoulder. It looked heavy, but he was too petrified to help. "Can't we just… talk about this? We can talk about things, right? We're supposed to be adults."

Dan laughed, rough and mirthless. "Are we? Last time I checked, I'm still in my wild years."

"Dan, don't make me beg. Just wait until morning, so-" his voice faltered under Dan's cold expression.

"So you can what? Convince me to stay? I don't think you want that any more than I do," Dan dropped his keys, cursing. "I can't do this, Phil, not anymore."

Phil looked at his feet, hand tightening on the bannister. "I think you've made that quite clear," he said in a small voice.

"Oh, so now _I'm _the villain," Dan shook his head in shock. "You're unbelievable. Who was the one accusing me of _stealing the limelight_? Making you live in my shadow, and I quote, _holding you back_?"

Phil's face twisted. "It's true, though, you never let me talk, just because you were the precious Daniel, the hot one, the younger one, with more subscribers and more attention, and, and _more_!" He gestured angrily at the other man's body.

"I never did that on purpose and you know it," Dan dropped the bag on the floor with a _thump_. "You hate talking in front of crowds, I was trying to protect you-"

Phil's eyes were wide, challenging. "Oh, you were trying to _protect _me. How _stupid _of me. That's a perfect explanation why you slept with one of our best friends, Dan, you should have said that earlier."

Dan stiffened. "Shut up."

"I see it now," Phil started walking down the stairs. "Sleeping around with people in a direct attempt to hurt me, then hiding it from me for weeks- I feel positively _coddled_."

"_Shut up!" _Dan clapped his hands over his ears. "It was a mistake. It was a mistake, and I'm sorry, and if I could go back and change it, I would."

"That doesn't change anything, though, does it." The words left a sour taste in his mouth, but they were true. Phil could feel the hurt in his chest, bubbling over, ten times stronger than it had been before. He'd never believed that heartbreak could be a physical thing, but he knew it now, it was impossible to ignore. He sighed, leaning against the wall. "Do you think there's any hope for us?"

Dan hesitated, then shook his head, very slightly. "I don't think so. I'm sorry."

"Me, too." Phil reached out a hand to him, stopping himself at the last moment. A thousand words burned at the tip of his tongue and for the life of him he couldn't say a single one. A last plea made its weak attempt, sounding as fragile as Phil looked.

"Dan, please. We can… try again, I don't know. I can forgive you, I know it, we just… we just need time. I love you, please, Dan, please don't go."

Dan bit his lip, eyes as bright as Phil's were dull. "I'm sorry, Phil. I can't. I just can't." He stepped forward, taking Phil's head tenderly in his hands and kissing his forehead. "Goodbye, Phil."

Dan picked up the bag, and left without saying another word. Needless to say, he didn't look back.

Phil mouthed an answer, throat dry. He sat down on the stairs, hugging his knees to his chest and staring through the frosted glass. He hadn't seen any stars in a long time, he realised, snowflakes or otherwise. There was no calm here, no stars, just hurt, an endless sea of it. His fingers tingled, the ghost of those stars still clinging to them, and he held the hand to his chest, watching tears start to fall without registering it. _From here_, he'd said. _I love you… from here. _

Phil closed his eyes, and whispered with the strength of all the stars and two Decembers.

"To here."

One day, he might believe it.

**Thank you so much for reading xxx For the rest of my work, and some information on the inspirations for this fic, please go to my tumblr (also called uhnonniemiss).**

**This story was written for Phanfic's Challenge: Week 4. **

**If you liked it, please, please leave a review, it means more than pizza (honest) ^_^**


End file.
